He really used to come to see my parents more than me. In fact, I think they came to like him more than I did. He would just sort of show up. No more official dates or invitations. The quality of our outings went down severely. We started to save money. He didn’t pay for the dates anymore. We pooled our money and went to the Lick and Split Ice Cream Parlor to have small cones while we watched other people eat their banana splits.
WIFE
At this phase of bonding, the relationship is maturing. It has made it past the projective dimension, and the partners now start to show their true colors. “I never in the world would have told him about my period before. Now he knew when it was or when it should be better than I did,” reported one woman. “I told her,” reported one man, “I just can’t stand her cracking her gum. I lived with that for weeks before I told her.” Now the real feelings come out.
A couple can tell when they are in the acceptive phase by the occurrence of several breakups, patch-ups, makeups, and re-breakups. This phase seems to be an opportunity to test the system for the pressures of real marital life, to learn to make up and stay with it even at times of stress and strain. This testing is only effective, however, if both partners are free from the myth of romance. Romance, “hot love,” lasts only a few months. Researchers can trace this pattern clearly. If one or both partners cling to the myth of romance, that a relationship will remain hot, lustful, emotionally and sexually intense in the fashion of early bonding, then their goal is unrealistic. They will tend to do their “serial relating,” their breakups and makeups with several persons instead of learning to do them with one partner as is required for an enduring marriage.
Another danger here is that one partner may learn to give in, or to hold out for some form of later justice in marriage, letting things go for now. This strategy is a major mistake. Later justice never comes. The opposite of injustice is not justice, but love. Open sharing, conflict resolution, mutual effort at problem-solving, dealing with day-to-day issues of family, religion, money, kids, and work all must be processed during this crucial courtship phase. Marriage before this phase is a risky proposition. It is better to learn to divorce and remarry before you ever get married in the first place. Perhaps then we will not have to experience “serial divorce” in order to learn how to relate intimately forever.
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