Jealousy
Jealousy is our anxiety about a partner’s love and commitment. It can play an important role in the development of sexual inhibition and conflict.
Jealousy does not occur in all cultures. It is most likely where marriage is seen as a way to have guilt-free sex, security, and social recognition.
Jealousy mostly occurs in women and men with low self-esteem who are unhappy with their lives. It is based on the impossible idea that we must fulfill all the needs of our loved ones and that our loved ones must fulfill all of our needs. It does not allow for the fact that people we love have many needs that we cannot fulfill, and we have needs that they cannot fulfill.
If we have self-esteem, we can appreciate when other people confirm our feelings that our loved ones are attractive, capable, sensitive, caring, intelligent, and amusing. If we have little self-esteem, we need constant reassurance from our loved ones that we have all those attributes. Jealousy can eat away at a sexual relationship and create sexual inhibitions and conflicts.
Internalized Homophobia
Homophobia is the fear of homosexuality. Our society has developed such negative attitudes about homosexuality that many people have come to fear homosexuality within themselves—whether they are lesbian, gay, bisexual, straight, or transgender. This fear is called internalized homophobia. It can cause sexual inhibition in women and men, although it may occur more often in men.
Internalized homophobia is so powerful that up to 30 percent of lesbian, gay, and bisexual adolescents attempt suicide. It can also cause severe depression. Community groups for lesbian, gay, and bisexual people can be very helpful in building support and self-esteem for these young women and men. Professional counseling is also helpful.
Internalized homophobia may make it very difficult for gay men and lesbians to develop intimate relationships with their sex partners. It can also create such fear that they will go without sex, pretend to be straight, or force themselves to have frustrating and disappointing sexual relationships with people of the other gender.
Straight men who worry that some of their sexual desires and fantasies may be homosexual may be less able to develop intimate relationships with women. They may develop “tough guy” or “macho” attitudes in their sexual relationships with women. Men with internalized homophobia may also be more likely to commit gay-bashing and other forms of sexual assault. Internalized homophobia can be treated with professional counseling and psychotherapy.
Coming out is the process of accepting and being open about one’s sexual orientation and gender identity. It is also the process of challenging social and internalized homophobia. There are many stages. The first is coming out to one’s self. This may happen during adolescence, but it may not happen until a person is older. The next steps involve coming out to other people—friends, family, neighbors, schoolmates, coworkers, and others.
The coming-out process helps build self-esteem and a capacity for intimacy, but it can be very stressful. The people we come out to are all influenced by homophobia in one way or another. A few of them can help make the process easy, but many won’t. Despite its stresses, coming out offers great relief from internalized homophobia, although it is not a cure-all. Many people who have been “out” for most of their lives still suffer sexual and social inhibitions associated with internalized homophobia. Ridding ourselves of it may be a process that continues most of our lives.
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